“Anytime you are feeling down or defeated, adjust your crown.”
Since July 2016, I have been holding my head down. I have been afraid to look up at what I might see. Anytime my head has risen, I have seen the rubble and aftermath of my bad choices, struggles, and failures. I would think to myself, “How can I look up only to see the misery and agony of uncolored pictures and faded dreams?”
When my eyes would make the daring attempt to look beyond the fog, I could picture a life of no more sorrow, pain, and devastation. I envisioned myself living the life I always wanted without flaws, scars, or failures. Then without fail, I would tell myself, “Who are you to be daring enough to dream a life of prosperity and promise?” Immediately my eyes closed, and darkness would fill the room, leaving me with a debilitating fear of my tomorrow being filled with hopelessness.
“Help!” I cry out. Tears, trembling, and a heart feeling like it was beating outside of my chest kept me from opening my eyes once more. Thoughts of wanting to escape my present circumstances or be free enough to start life all over from the very beginning once more. Due to my psychosis, I had convinced myself that leaving my eyes closed would, for as long as possible, erase everything from the past. You will be able to hold your head up,” the voices would say. The question I would ask myself as I went those 12 hours without taking a peek into the light was, Am I stupid to think that there is more to life?
Even during my severe mental crisis, I would always remember fond memories of my grandmother. She told me we once lived as kings and queens with all the royal garments. She would say, “Anytime you are feeling down or defeated, adjust your crown.” I could remember the moment and those words she uttered as if it were happening presently. Remember back when I cried out for help, all along my grandmother was helping me. All I had to do was look within.
I would be remiss if I didn’t tell you about how high I hold my head today. I once equated my value on this earth to be 0. Now for every bruise, traumatic incident, and depressed feeling, these are prized possessions. For I would not be who am without them. If I fall at this point in my life, I get right back up. Nothing or no one will return me to the depths of despair I once resided at. As we say in the rooms of recovery, play the tape backwards and forwards. This will lead/guide you to your outcome.
Rather than simply holding your head up, adjust your crown. We are all kings and queens and should not think anything less of ourselves. Learn to love yourself through the ups and downs.
You can live beyond suicidality, mental illness, and addiction. I am a living testament. Start by adjusting your crown after every loss, stumble, or setback.
This blog is in honor of National Suicide Prevention Month, which is in September.